I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
