I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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