I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
