i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
