TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize