McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
