He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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