My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
