I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
