he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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