Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
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It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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