I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
