Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
