I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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