whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
