those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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