no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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