she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
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