I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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