im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
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New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
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Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night