My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
