I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
