I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
