I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
