I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
