I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
