God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
