Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
