i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
