Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
