remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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