my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
