Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
