Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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