I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
