I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i will never coherently bang her
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
