proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
