he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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