God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Randomize
