I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
