If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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