I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
