Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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