I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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