if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
