I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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