I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
