My friends, they love my intelligence
Even my vagina gasped.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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