Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
