a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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