i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
