I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
