Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
