Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
